my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
