I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
