I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
