and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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