I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
