Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
