So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
