i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
