you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
