the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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