I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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