glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
