Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
