Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my being single is dangerous.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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