I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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