Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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