I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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