I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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