Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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