Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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