My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
