i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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