Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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