I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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