they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
