Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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