i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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