Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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