If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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