So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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