All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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