FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
