Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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