Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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