its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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