Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
