Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
