Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
