how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
