She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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