R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
