Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
