we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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