I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
