I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
