so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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