OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
