Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
