i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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