did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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